Aunts, Godmothers and Family Friends: How to Be the Trusted Adult a Girl Needs During Puberty

There's a particular kind of magic in being the aunt, godmother or close family friend of a growing girl. You're adult enough to know things, but you're not her parent — which means she can ask you the questions that feel too embarrassing, too loaded or too close to home to ask at her own kitchen table. If a girl in your life is heading into puberty, you may be about to become one of the most important adults she has.

Many women remember exactly who that person was for them: the auntie who explained things plainly, the family friend who slipped them a book, the godmother who treated their questions as normal rather than naughty. This is how to be that person — without overstepping.

Why do girls sometimes open up to you rather than their parents?

It's not a rejection of her mum or dad. Girls often protect their parents — they worry about making things awkward, being seen differently, or triggering a Big Emotional Conversation when all they wanted was a quick answer. A trusted adult one step removed offers something valuable: honest information without the emotional weight.

You also carry a different kind of authority. When an aunt says "that's completely normal, it happened to me too", it can land differently — not better, just differently — than the same words from a parent. Girls benefit from hearing consistent, shame-free messages from several adults, not just one.

How do I support her without stepping on her parents' toes?

The golden rule: you're a supporting act, not a rival. A few principles keep everyone comfortable:

Talk to her parents first — broadly, not forensically. A simple "she's been asking me the odd growing-up question — I'll always answer honestly and steer her back to you for the big stuff, is that okay?" respects their role and usually earns you their blessing. Most parents are relieved, not threatened.

Keep confidences, with one exception. If she tells you something that affects her safety, her parents need to know, and it's worth being honest with her about that boundary from the start. Everyday puberty questions, though, can stay between you — nothing shuts a girl down faster than discovering her question became a family anecdote.

Mirror the family's values. Every family has its own pace and its own way of talking about bodies, sometimes shaped by culture or faith. Your job is to add warmth and accuracy, not to freelance a different set of rules. If you'd like context on how families navigate this differently, our piece on talking about puberty across cultures and faiths is a helpful read.

What can I actually say when she asks me something?

Three moves cover almost every situation. First, normalise: "I'm really glad you asked me that" tells her the question was safe. Second, answer plainly and briefly — puberty questions rarely need a lecture, just a straight answer using correct words. Third, loop back gently: "Have you talked to your mum about this? She'd love to know you're thinking about it." You're building a bridge back to her parents, not a bypass around them.

And if you don't know the answer? Say so cheerfully and find out together. You don't need to be an expert — you need to be unshockable.

What makes a genuinely good gift for a girl approaching puberty?

Aunts and godmothers are often the perfect people to give the growing-up gift — the one that's a little too pointed coming from a parent but feels like a rite of passage coming from you. A beautiful book she can keep and return to privately is ideal: it answers the questions she hasn't worked out how to ask yet, on her own schedule.

The When She Blooms daughter guide is written directly for girls in warm, shame-free language, and the hardcover parent–daughter gift set makes a lovely milestone present for a birthday or special occasion — one book for her, one for the parent, so the whole family ends up on the same page. If you're not sure which fits her age and stage, the find-the-right-guide quiz takes about a minute. And if gift-giving is your love language, our grandparent's guide to puberty gifts has ideas that work just as well for aunties.

What if I'm the one she comes to when something's wrong?

Sometimes the trusted adult is the first to hear that periods are unusually painful, that something feels wrong, or that she's being teased at school. Take it seriously, thank her for telling you, and involve her parents — ideally by helping her tell them herself: "This is worth sharing with your mum. Want me to be there when you do?" For anything health-related, the family's GP is always the right port of call; your role is encouragement, not diagnosis.

Frequently asked questions

How do I bring up puberty with my niece or god-daughter without making it weird?

Don't announce a Big Talk — just be reliably matter-of-fact whenever bodies, periods or growing up come up naturally. Mentioning your own memories casually ("I was terrified of my first period because nobody told me anything — I don't want that for you") opens the door without pressure.

What if her parents haven't told her anything yet?

Tread gently. Rather than filling the gap unilaterally, encourage the parents: share how early puberty can start, or pass on a resource that makes their job easier. If she asks you a direct question in the meantime, answer it honestly — a girl's need for accurate information comes first — then let her parents know the topic is live.

What's an appropriate age for a puberty-themed gift?

Around eight to ten is a good window for a first body book — early enough that nothing in it is urgent, which keeps the shame out. There's no perfect age, though: the right time is before she needs it, not after.

Do I need to be an expert on puberty to help?

No. You need honesty, warmth and a willingness to say "great question — let's find out". A good book does the heavy lifting on facts; you provide the safe person to talk to.

Know other parents, aunties or educators who'd love what we do? Take a look at our Collabs programme.